Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I don't like lizards

I don't like lizards. This is a huge confession to my wonderful blog followers. My family knows that I don't like lizards, but most people don't know this. When you tell people your fears, you open yourself up for these fears to be used against you. Let's get this out in the open -- if you think you will use this new information against me and put a lizard on me, around me, or anywhere near me then you and I have a big problem. As a matter of fact, if you do any of the above, you are evil and should be destroyed. Ok, now that we have that clear let's get on with the story.

I know that lizards won't hurt me, but they will make me hurt myself. When I see one, I throw stuff at the lizard, start screaming and run away. Every time! The lizard does not move and then laughs at me. I truly believe that the lizards that live around my house have invited lizards from other neighborhoods over to see me do the lizard freakout. One of my good friends let me borrow a fern for a party. I told her to make sure there were no lizards in the fern. She said, "I don't have lizards." Of course you don't, they all live at my house.

The first time I started seeing lizards was in the first house that my husband and I bought together in the small town we lived in. Lizards in the flowers, hibernating in the ground in the winter, and even crawling up the side of my open convertible - uggghhh! I asked my husband "why are there were so many lizards, what in the world is going on?? I never saw lizards when I was growing up. Why am I seeing them now?" That sweet man made a profound statement when he said, "girl, you grew up on a chicken farm. A lizard didn't have a chance at your house!" I immediately started looking for places that sold live chickens!

I visited central America this summer and saw huge 3 and 4 foot long iguanas. They were beautiful irredescent shades of green, yellow, and turquoise. They hung from the vines in the trees. They were in the treetops as I raced through the jungle on a zipline tour. They lined the riverbanks when we took a river cruise. I was absolutely not afraid of these monsters. I took pictures of them and did not run screaming from them a single time. Why? Why am I afraid of a 4-inch lizard, but not afraid of its 4-foot long cousin? I have given this much thought and have concluded that the monsters can't hide in the ferns, slip through the crack in the door, or hide in the outdoor pillows when you bring them inside. Those 4-inch devils can do all of those things.

Once when the 8-year old nephew was visiting, I found a lizard in my garage. Since he is a cubscout, I knew that he could handle the lizard for me and most likely do it with a story to tell in the end. He chased the lizard for about 15 minutes and finally came in to give his report. He said he caught little pieces of the tail two times (their tails break off in order for them to escape) before he finally captured it. For good measure, he gave the lizard a warning as he tossed him into the woods -- "go tell your friends!" I hope that the lizard felt sufficiently threated by the 8-year old cubscout that he did indeed tell his friends and that he won't be back.

I saw a lizard in my attic sunday. That means that I can't go into the attic until the end of summer when I know with certainty that the lizard is cooked in the Georgia heat and it's safe for me to go into the attic. Perhaps I will just sell the house?

2 comments:

  1. i am the same way about snakes (no matter how big or small).
    a lot of people have that and here's my theory of why: they have no legs - which is competely unnatural, effecting our deep down senses of all things bad and irrational because of thier complete WRONGness.

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  2. How funny! We just completed a lapbook on lizards in our homeschooling studies. LOL! I, myself, don't care for them either. But they are amazing little boogers!

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